Another Day in Tola’s Life

I sit before a bowl of Eba and Okra Soup (thanks to Sister Jemima on YouTube) that I am about to demolish. I think to myself that maybe I should get a poppi to wash it down, but then I remind myself that I just got back from the gym and should refrain from overdoing it.

How can I have just run like a mad woman on the treadmill and then proceed to eat Eba? I should be eating avocado toast like the influencers always do after their gym sessions. To be honest, I want to believe that most of them just do it for the camera, but what do I know?

Agenda must Agend.

Ping! I hear my phone beep, and it’s a notification from WhatsApp. A man introduced to me by a friend… or acquaintance? I’m not sure, has messaged me  “I am available now, or are you still at the gym?” I totally forgot that I promised to reach out after I was done with the gym.

I must confess, I hate WhatsApp. If not for the fact that I have to use it to communicate with my parents, I would have it uninstalled. Everything about it just irritates me, but oh well. I don’t respond immediately because no one can stand between me and my Eba. So, I eat and watch Modern Family on Hulu while also attending a random work meeting.

Work-Life balance, Indeed!

When I’m almost done eating, I text the man back “Yeah, sure, now is good.” He calls almost immediately, so I pick up while eating the last part of my oxtail, sucking on it to make sure all the juices get in my mouth. (This was very... hahah...) But anyway, we get on with the conversation.

“Good afternoon! I think it’s currently 2 p.m. where you are. It says that’s the time in New York, so I just guessed since you’re in Maryland…”

“Yes, yes, good afternoon. You’re correct.”

“Good! My name is Silas. Like I said earlier, I got your number from Ed, he was my neighbor years ago. That’s how I met him, and now you.”

At this point, I’m rolling my eyes because is all this information necessary? Just get to the point, no need for the rigmarole. But alas, I’m curious to see how this will go, so I continue to listen.

“Was Ed able to explain why I’m reaching out? Just so I know where to start.”

“No, to be honest, so feel free to start from the jump.”

“Ah, okay. So, I’m in the business of importing. I import cars and gadgets, you know, like iPhones, iPads, MacBooks, AirPods… to sell here in Nigeria.”

“Okay.”

“Yes, so, you know, I want to believe I’m talking to a fellow Nigerian sister who understands how hard things are in this country. To buy goods from businesses abroad, mostly in the U.S., we need to pay in dollars.”

“Okay, that makes sense.”

“But the issue is, converting naira to dollars is just such a hassle. Reaching out to the CBN is always a long process and involves too much paperwork. And we can’t use Bureau de Change or the black market, as the Nigerian government is worried about devaluing the naira further.”

“Okay.”

“So, to avoid all these issues, I and other businesses involved in the car dealer and construction industry created a union. We have a WhatsApp group that I’d add you to if you decide to help us. Anyway, after thinking about it, we decided it would be better to have someone who lives in the U.S. help us.”

“Help you in what way?”

“So, in the past, we transferred money into the person’s account, and then the person would help us transfer payments to the several businesses we’re buying goods from.”

“Person’s account? Is this a personal account? And just to clarify, you mean you transferred dollars?”

“Correct. But then we started having issues. You know that in America, there are issues with taxes and the IRS. The person who was helping us before, her name is Annabelle, Annabelle Olaiya, yes, so when it was time for her to file her taxes, the amount of money she owed was way more based on... you know how these things go. She had to stop because she moved to Canada for her master’s.”

At this point, I know I’m speaking to nothing but a joker, and I should just hang up. Maybe lie and say I have to go, but then again, I’m quite jobless with a lot of spare time, so I’m even more excited and curious to see where this is going.

“I mean, that would make sense. You can’t just be moving around huge sums of money in this country; it would get flagged and all. So, I’m guessing there’s a new arrangement?”

“Yes, we decided that to avoid all these issues altogether, we should just change everything to cash.”

“Cash?”

“Yes, so we ship dollars from Nigeria using services like FedEx, USPS, and the like to the person in America. Which would be you. We just need your address, and then you’ll hold on to the money and deposit it into the company’s bank account that we’re buying goods from.”

“How much are we talking, and what’s the frequency?”

“It could be about $30k or even $40k  in a month. It just depends, you know?”

“I can’t walk into a bank with that much cash and deposit it. Was Annabelle doing this? Was she able to do this?”

“Yes, so what she would do is split the money and deposit it over several days. Let’s say it’s 15k—she’d do maybe 5k today, then after two days, another 5k. Of course, I wouldn’t want you to deposit 30k in one day, haha…”

“And there were no issues? Because that is technically structuring, and the banks pick up on it and would have to report it.”

“Hm, Annabelle didn’t have any issues, to be fair. She was able to get it done.”

“So explain to me again from the start. So, let’s say you want to buy 10 Toyotas, and it costs $10k. Who is the person changing the Naira equivalent for you?”

“It’s a company called YellowMagneto.”

“Why can’t they make the payments? Why do you need someone in the U.S.? Who is demanding a middleman in the U.S.?”

“Yes, yes, that’s a fantastic point. I and the union never thought about that. But we don’t want to bother YellowMagneto with transferring funds here and there. It would also cause problems in the group chat if our fellow partners see how much others are making in a particular industry. They might just go and create a similar business model. It’s just, you know…”

“Cause problems? Anyways, can I speak to Annabelle? I really want to know how she was able to perform her duties as the middleman before I can accept your proposal.”

(Awkward Silence)

“Hm, she hasn’t been available these past few months due to her master’s program and all. But you know what, I’ll get in touch with her. I do understand your concerns.”

“Yeah, that would be great. Also, there have been no problems with the delivery of the cash? Like no misplaced packages?”

“Hm, it only happened once, and we were able to sort it out. The USPS person even got sacked.”

“Hm, just asking because if I had a business, why would I go from electronic to just cash? It just seems outrageous and not very smart, but oh well.”

“It’s because of the issues. That’s what we can do for now, Tola, haha.”

“Anyway, once you get me Annabelle, I’ll see.”

“Okay, thank you so much for your time. Bye bye.”

I hang up and guffaw. Is this some sort of money laundering scheme? Because this is CRAZY.

SHIPPING DOLLARS FROM WHERE TO WHERE?? WHAT IN THE MARTY BRYDE???

I’m not sure, but someone from Akure must be chasing me. On APRIL 1st???

Like, COMMON! If you want to run something silly, just yarn me so I can decide if it’s worth taking the risk and plan my foreseeable future.

Abi is there is an “ODE” LABEL ON MY FOREHEAD?? I must look like a fool. I really must.

Sage Roses ❁